Not so Happy Feet

Not so Happy Feet

At the end of one of the warmest winters on record, I’m amazed that it was only two years ago where, after five snow days in a row, it was difficult to refrain from whacking the next person who asked, “isn’t it pretty?” upside the head with my shovel. however, here we are, in the first winter where I’m not wistfully dreaming about a Pina Colada, palm trees, and a cabana boy named Antonio.I suppose that’s a good thing. But, when I read about the Ayles Ice Shelf – all 41 miles of it – breaking off from an island south of the North Pole, I can’t help but hope that penguins learn to fly real soon.

Now, I know that penguins live at the South Pole and Santa Claus at the North Pole. This is a good thing, as it’s OK to force reindeer to pull a fat man on a sled, but harnessing penguins to Santa’s sleigh just seems so wrong. However, whether it’s Heat Miser having a tantrum or Al Gore wasn’t kidding and he really did invent global warming, it’s something for penguins, and all of us to be worried about. And just in case you haven’t given it much thought, I’ve spent my morning reviewing all the potentially responsible parties.

Those gosh-darn Hollywood liberals. Yes, there are those who believe that Happy Feet is a left-wing plot to brainwash children into believing that global warming is truly an issue. I’ll grant them that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a front to push every bleeding-heart liberal platform that exists via a series focusing on Saturday Night Live, that highest point of network programming responsible for cultural icons like the Church Lady, Coneheads and Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood. Two thoughts on that: SNL did give us “land sharks;” and I always knew that Matthew Perry was the best actor on Friends.

Verdict: While they might be loopy enough to elect The Terminator as governor, I’m not sure their wackiness extends to using global warming to put out wildfires.

James Cameron. In 1997, he gave us Titanic. This method it’s time for a 10-year anniversary, special collectors’ edition DVD release. What would raise sales more than an iceberg taking out a cruise ship? In addition, according to Wikipedia, Cameron’s a member of the Mars Society – “an international space advocacy non-profit organization dedicated to encouraging the exploration and settlement of Mars.” Maybe he knows something we don’t?

Verdict:Keep an eye on this one. Especially since he once proclaimed himself “King of the World.”

George Strait. Global warming could prompt a re-release and give whole new meaning to the song “Oceanfront character in Arizona.”

Verdict: Since all his “Ex’s Live in Texas,” it’s more likely he’d do something to take out the Lone Star state first.

Al Gore. Al does manage to get involved with some of the biggest controversies of our time: the internet, whether he was the focus of Love Story, and global warming.

Verdict: Al got a bad rap with the internet thing; but, it’s more likely that his alter ego is Oliver Barrett IV instead of Heat Miser. Although, the things some people will do just to win an Oscar.

Dick Cheney. Not a speculate. While he might shoot his best friend in the confront; clearly, global warming is not good for oil and gas companies.

The Scientific Community. Isn’t it always the poor, ignored scientists who invent global disasters only to swoop in at the last minute and rescue the world? If you haven’t noticed, there’s been a subtle campaign being waged to make scientists cool. First you had the revenge of the nerds led by Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all the other tech dudes on the geek squad. Now, you have shows like Dexter’s Laboratory and Jimmy Neutron to convince kids to grow up and be scientists.

Verdict:Maybe if we all unilaterally decide that scientists are really, really cool, they’ll band together and help stop global warming. Until then, I’m not investing in oil and gas, and I’m headed to Venice this year before it disappears. I’ve also put An Inconvenient Truth back on my Netflix list so that I can make other travel plans consequently, including checking out some similarities in Scottsdale and Phoenix.

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